Upcoming Loss.
If you have not yet lost your child but you are carrying to term or terminating for medical reasons or waiting for labor to start naturally after fetal demise, you have a little time to prepare for what might be the worst day of your life. I know that it will not be an easy day, but there are a few things you might be able to do with the time that you have left that some moms wish they had the foresight or time to do with their babies. These are some of the more popular ideas.-a belly cast
-maternity photos (professional or not)
-a recording of your baby's heartbeat, to put in a teddy bear (My Baby's Heartbeat Bear)
-get a kit to cast hand and footprints or and inkpad and nice paper
-a small outfit to dress your baby in. Some sites that have micropreemie clothing are Jacqui's (special occasions), and Preemie Proud (a 20wk baby will be under 1#, a 24wk or more could be 1-2#)
-a special blanket to wrap your baby in
-hold your baby for as long as you want, kiss and stroke their face, ask others to leave the room if you want to be alone
-bathe,swaddle or dress your baby (if appropriate)
-sing or read a book to your baby
-rock your baby
-take a lock of hair
-have your family and friends see your baby (if you feel it is appropriate-it can help them feel the loss is real too)
-take pictures. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a national volunteer organization that will take photos in the hospital in these situations. They will only do it for 24wks gestation or more. Your hospital or doctor can help arrange with them. There might be regional organizations that can also help. You or a family member can also take photos. (editing the color to black and white or sepia can hide some color variations) Get photos of hands, feet, lips, eyes, and the family together.
-A Heartbreaking Choice is a site for those that have had to make the decision to terminate a pregnancy due to poor prenatal diagnosis, their own health or the health of another fetus.
After a Loss.
If you have just suffered a late pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or loss soon after birth , your body will go through certain changes in the days and weeks to come. Your body only knows that it had a baby, it unfortunately does not realize that the baby has passed. You will go through many of the same experiences as a woman with a living child.Emotions.
You can expect every emotion available and they are all appropriate. Anger, sadness, despair, failure, guilt, vulnerability. You may even feel a sense of relief after your loss if there was pain or suffering on the baby's part, and that is normal too. Your emotions can change from day to day or hour to hour, allowing yourself to feel all of these emotions is healthy. Don't feel guilty for being able to smile or laugh, allow yourself to feel any feeling that comes to you. If at any point you feel like you are not coping well or are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others please contact your doctor or the National Suicide Hotline at 1.800.suicide, or the Depression and Crisis Hotline 1.800.784.2433. No one will consider you "crazy" for needing help with dealing with your emotions, you have just suffered a terrible tragedy.
Milk.
Your breasts will start to produce milk if they have not done so already. If you have been breastfeeding or pumping for a NICU baby, quitting cold turkey can be very painful. It is recommended that you decrease your pumping time and increase the time between pumping sessions, until you gradually wean yourself. Binding your breasts will help, try a tight sports bra and oddly enough, raw cabbage leaves in your bra will also help and replace those every few hours when they get wilty. If your breasts leak, you can use nursing pads or if you do not have any available, cut a maxipad or liner in half and place that in your bra, and replace those when they become damp, leaving your breasts damp can lead to infection. It might seem like a good idea to let the hot water in the shower run on your breasts, but that only will increase milk production. Ice packs on your breasts will actually be more beneficial. If your breasts develop small, painful masses, this could be a clogged milk duct. This is the only time that a little warm compress is good-place a hot towel over the area for a few minutes, then massage the lump, then add a cold pack. If the pain continues or worsens, or there is any redness, heat or swelling with or without fever, please consult your doctor. The process of drying up your milk could take more than a few weeks, and when it does finally go away, you might find that you are more sad now than you thought you would be. This is normal, it is one less confirmation that you had a child. You might also be interested in donating your breast milk. Many women find that by being able to help another child with something so precious can be very healing, others find it too painful to give milk away that is supposed to be for their own. The choice is yours. If you do decide to donate, ask your doctor, hospital or lactation consultant at your hospital for more information about donating in your area.
Bleeding.
Weather you had a vaginal or Cesarean delivery or had to endure a d&c after your loss, you will have varying degrees of bleeding. With a d&c, light bleeding for several days is not uncommon. After a delivery, your body will shed the blood and tissue that lined your uterus-called lochia. The first days may be heavy and bright red. After a few days, the lochia will become more watery and pinkish. After two weeks the lochia should be a light brown to yellow discharge, turning into a yellow-white discharge, this will taper off in the next two to four weeks. It is possible for you to see some red spotting during this time if you are overactive. As a general rule, you should only used pads during this time-no tampons, (and no douching) and any heavy bleeding that saturates more than one pad an hour for several hours or any smell that concerns you should be reported to your doctor immediately.Return of menstrual cycle.
When you can expect to get your first period after your loss can vary from one woman to another. If you did not breastfeed or express your milk you can probably expect your period around 6-8 weeks after delivery, it could take longer for some women. It could return in about 4-6 weeks if you had a d&c. It is also possible for you to ovulate again before your first period and precautions should be taken to avoid pregnancy during this time if you are not ready to become pregnant right now. Your menstrual cycle may be very different then it was pre-pregnancy. A lot of women have reported that the first period is much heavier and longer than it used to be. Your cycle may be shorter or longer as well, it should regulate itself after a few months. Any concerns can be discussed with your doctor.Intimacy.
It is quite normal for you to have the desire for intimacy immediately following your loss. You might just be desiring the closeness that you and your partner share during lovemaking during this difficult time. Unfortunately (and maybe thankfully), you should not insert anything into your vagina until you are healed. For a d&c, this means about 2 weeks or until the bleeding stops. For a vaginal or cesarean delivery, this could be 4-6 weeks. Your doctor should give you a better idea of your specific guidelines. If you are desiring intimacy before you get the go ahead from your doctor, there are other things you and your partner can do- hugging, kissing, caressing, mutual masturbation, and oral sex. As long as nothing is inserted, and you are comfortable with it, you should be fine. The desire to become pregnant immediately can be very strong with some women and that is normal to feel, after all, you were pregnant and ready to bring a baby home. There is no right time to try again, it is a decision that you, your spouse and doctor must discuss. It is better to wait until your body is healed until becoming pregnant again to give your new baby the best chance.