When someone you care about suffers the loss of their child, it can be very difficult to know what to do and what not to do and every parent is unique with different ways of grieving. I will say that this list is very general, while some people would greatly appreciate it if you were to do the laundry, some might be mortified. Use your best judgement. There is also a great, free eBook that you can download by Kristine Brite McCormick called When A Friend's Baby Dies. It is also available for the Kindle and Nook.
What to Do.
-Send
cards. Several. Weeks, months and years after the fact. We
like knowing that our child has not been forgotten.
-Make a meal and drop it off.
-Create a facebook event for food drop offs using Take Them A Meal. Friends and relatives can sign up to bring food on certain days and others can see what is already done.
-Clean their house before they come home from the hospital. But do not get rid of any baby preparations.
-Offer to do something, anything. And do it. Don't expect us to make a decision. Just say "I'm doing your laundry. No arguments."
-Do a chore or two. Take out the trash, clean the coffee pot, wash dishes, anything.
-If this was a relative, include them in your "count". They are a grandchild/niece/nephew/cousin.
-Check in every now and then. Even a text "Hello. I'm thinking about you."
-When you do check in, don't be hurt or think something is wrong if I don't want to talk.
-It might be hard to hear about, but sometimes we like to talk about our babies. Ask about their hair, nose, eyes, etc.
-Don't pretend everything is ok, like it never happened.
-Give a small remembrance gift.
-Give a necklace to hold the babies ashes (if cremated).
-By groceries: fruit, cookies, healthy snacks.
-Offer to take any other children to the movies or park to give the parents some time alone.
-Remember special dates and know they might be hard on us: birthday (even if stillborn), the anniversaries of their passing (angelversary), their due date. Consider how the holidays may be difficult for us as well. Please don't forget Mother's Day and Father's Day.
-Do something to honor the baby. Balloon release, plant a tree...
-Let us cry, ramble, rant or sob. Just listen, you can't "fix" our sorrow.
-Just say "I'm sorry" when you don't know what to say.
-Do Google for more information. Read some baby loss blogs. Check out our resource section.
-Make a meal and drop it off.
-Create a facebook event for food drop offs using Take Them A Meal. Friends and relatives can sign up to bring food on certain days and others can see what is already done.
-Clean their house before they come home from the hospital. But do not get rid of any baby preparations.
-Offer to do something, anything. And do it. Don't expect us to make a decision. Just say "I'm doing your laundry. No arguments."
-Do a chore or two. Take out the trash, clean the coffee pot, wash dishes, anything.
-If this was a relative, include them in your "count". They are a grandchild/niece/nephew/cousin.
-Check in every now and then. Even a text "Hello. I'm thinking about you."
-When you do check in, don't be hurt or think something is wrong if I don't want to talk.
-It might be hard to hear about, but sometimes we like to talk about our babies. Ask about their hair, nose, eyes, etc.
-Don't pretend everything is ok, like it never happened.
-Give a small remembrance gift.
-Give a necklace to hold the babies ashes (if cremated).
-By groceries: fruit, cookies, healthy snacks.
-Offer to take any other children to the movies or park to give the parents some time alone.
-Remember special dates and know they might be hard on us: birthday (even if stillborn), the anniversaries of their passing (angelversary), their due date. Consider how the holidays may be difficult for us as well. Please don't forget Mother's Day and Father's Day.
-Do something to honor the baby. Balloon release, plant a tree...
-Let us cry, ramble, rant or sob. Just listen, you can't "fix" our sorrow.
-Just say "I'm sorry" when you don't know what to say.
-Do Google for more information. Read some baby loss blogs. Check out our resource section.
What Not to Do.
-Do not compare her loss to anything of yours (unless you have lost a child as well). Your dog dying or sister in the hospital does not compare at this point.
Things to be careful about saying:
Here is a list of common condolences that you might want to think twice about using, for some moms they might be fine, but certain things (even said with the best intentions) can cause some difficult reactions in new-loss moms.
-You're so strong. (We don't have a choice)
-Everything happens for a reason.
-It was God's plan. (God wanted our baby to die?)
-They're in a better place. (Better than my arms?)
-You'll have to get over it. (I will never)
-There must have been something wrong with the baby. (Good to hear you think the baby was defective.)
-Maybe it's better that it happened sooner rather than later. (It should not have ever happened.)
-At least you have your (living children). (Does not make up for the one I will never see again)
-When are you going to try again. (None of your business! Maybe never!)
-You'll be a mom someday. (I already am)
-Time will heal. (It will just be longer since I've held/touched/seen my child)
-I can't imagine. (Neither can I! Don't, it sucks!)
-Don't worry, you'll have more. (Do you have a crystal ball?)
-There has to be some reason. (Doesn't make it not so)
-Why aren't you crazy? (Inside, I am)
-You should figure out what happened so it won't happen again.
-What are you going to do will all of the baby's things? (I will deal with those when and if we are ready. Sometimes it is all we have left of our baby.)
Thank you to the women of The Bump's Loss Board of December of 2011 for most of these suggestions.
Things to be careful about saying:
Here is a list of common condolences that you might want to think twice about using, for some moms they might be fine, but certain things (even said with the best intentions) can cause some difficult reactions in new-loss moms.
-You're so strong. (We don't have a choice)
-Everything happens for a reason.
-It was God's plan. (God wanted our baby to die?)
-They're in a better place. (Better than my arms?)
-You'll have to get over it. (I will never)
-There must have been something wrong with the baby. (Good to hear you think the baby was defective.)
-Maybe it's better that it happened sooner rather than later. (It should not have ever happened.)
-At least you have your (living children). (Does not make up for the one I will never see again)
-When are you going to try again. (None of your business! Maybe never!)
-You'll be a mom someday. (I already am)
-Time will heal. (It will just be longer since I've held/touched/seen my child)
-I can't imagine. (Neither can I! Don't, it sucks!)
-Don't worry, you'll have more. (Do you have a crystal ball?)
-There has to be some reason. (Doesn't make it not so)
-Why aren't you crazy? (Inside, I am)
-You should figure out what happened so it won't happen again.
-What are you going to do will all of the baby's things? (I will deal with those when and if we are ready. Sometimes it is all we have left of our baby.)
Thank you to the women of The Bump's Loss Board of December of 2011 for most of these suggestions.